The End

If it's your first time at Ruin Why please start at the bottom of the page with "The Beginning", then move onto "The Middle" and then...you guessed it..."The End"

While my lovely wife was reading over my last post, the now famous "The Middle", she mentioned a few things that I shall now add. When the Surgeon sliced me open on my side He found it necessary to remove a nice size chunk of one of my ribs, not sure why, but I'm guessing it was so He and his buddies could make a wish or something (that or he needed to get around it and removing it was much easier). The reason for the actual side slicing has also become known to me, apparently my diaphram was in the way when the Surgeon tried to reattach my esophagus to my stomach via the gash on my belly, I never did trust my diaphram and now (dramatic pause) I know why.

So our journey left off with waking up in ICU two days after the actual surgery. So began the "Six days of ICU", I think there's a Lifetime movie of the week coming out with the same name. I was still pretty out of it during the first day, in fact the only thing I do remember is my wife telling me there were complications with the surgery and that I was going to be just fine, again, paraphrasing. This also was my introduction to the wonderful world of Dilaudid injections. Dilaudid is this wonderful pain medication derived from the poppy seed (read as opium). It's stronger than morphine and commonlly referred to as the "drug store heroine". This stuff was injected into my body every hour, on the hour, I do believe someone didn't want me to feel. There are many side effects of Dilaudid, most common and mild, yet there are a few rare ones. One of those rare ones is hallucinations, and guess who decided to partake in this rare and serious side effect, you guessed it...ME...the B I G. Sure it began all fun and kookie, such as little fuzzy things walking out the room, splotches on the wall, then things turned dark and ugly. Soon the hallucinations began the moment I closed my eyes, I would see the most horrific scenes thought imagineable. A few of my friends know some of what I saw, but I won't go into any sort of detail here, I shall leave it at I would see people getting murdered, maimed, mauled and lets not forget raped. I'm going through hell, I need lots of sleep and rest and yet the moment I close my eyes all I see is that sick shit. So I didn't sleep for three days, I refused to close my eyes to allow myself sleep.

Only a select few friends will understand but I would like to take this moment and say: damn you Larry, damn you to Hell.

Some other fun things I remember from ICU:

I awoke in the middle of the night completely turned on my side, gripping the side of the bed for dear life, having no clue as to what was going on only knowing that I was in tremendous pain. There were six people in my room and four of them were holding me so I couldn't move, eventually someone let me in on the secret, they were changing the sheet on my bed and apparently this was the best way to accomplish the task.

It wasn't all bad when I was awaken in the middle of the night, in fact there was this one time when I awoke from my slumber only to find a nurse washing my balls. Apparently you can wash my arm, my leg and my stomach, but by God you begin to wash my testicles and I'm gonna wake up. It was at this point that I completely lost any inhibitions I might have had about my body. When a total stranger washes the jumbly wumblies, you can't be modest, ya just can't.

One of my favorite little moments in ICU happened when my pain medication had lapsed and I was in considerable pain. I was agitated and all grumpy and then like an angel I see my nurse float into my room holding the golden syringe. But low and behold she became distracted by another nurse, after what seemd like an eternity I mustered up everything I had and muttered "hey you...do...your...job". She giggled, the other nurse giggled, I giggled, actually I reached for the syringe because I was planning on injecting myself. This is the same nurse that at a later date I called Tater Tot thus beginning her permanent nickname, sorry about that Tater.

At one point I had a fever, this news was relayed to me via my nurse-de-jour. I was then informed that they would give me a walnut sized Tylenol which would combat said fever. It's at this point that things begin to go downhill quickly, I'm told the unfortunate news that there does not exist a liquid Tylenol injection, this perplexed me. You see at this point in my recovery I couldn't swallow pills, water or anything which left me wondering how I would take said pill. I'm sure most of you have already guessed it, but for the Gumps in the group, they shoved the damn pill up my bum. two nurses grabbed the legs while the other did the shoving. I'll never forget that nurse, the bond we shared, by God it was beautiful...thanks Tater.

So anywho, I digress, I had an arguement with my nurse-de-jour about the Dilaudid. Eventually she screamd at me something about do I want to stop taking it and be in horrible horrible pain to which I replied with a resounding yes. Thus began my trip back from Dilaudid village, of course this also coincided with an all important barium swallow. This is a test where you drink, you guessed it, liquid barium and a Doctor will then track the barium through your esophagus, stomach and small intestine using fluoroscopy connected to a video monitor (thank you WebMD, thank you). This process is another check for leaks, if there are no leaks then the patient can begin a clear liquid diet, if there is a leak then then the patient cries while the Doctor calls the Surgeon and tells him or her the good news.

I'm wheeled in my bed to "The Room", at this point I see a metal table and a huge mechanical arm hovering above said table. It's at this point that the debate begins on whether or not I'll fit on the table underneath the hovering x-ray arm. The lab technician thinks no, the Doctor thinks maybe and Abdul, the guy who wheeled me down to "The Room" is sure I'll fit. They all decide to give it a try and hope for the best, three people push, two pull and I'm on the metal table. At this point the table makes a horribly loud noise and I watch the face of the lab technician contort into utter fear, then I hear the technician whisper to the Doctor, we need to hurry or the table is going to collapse and we'll end up picking his massive ass up off the floor, so needless to say I'm all calm and whatnot. Then not to be too anticliamatic but I drink the crap and they tell me I have no leaks (please note that we will speak more about leaks in the future, I know, I can't wait either). It's at this point that I am wheeled back to my room and given the greatest meal I ever had...ice chips. You need to understand, I had nothing to drink by mouth in six days, the ice chips were Heaven.

I thought I would finish with this post but I realize I still have nine more days in the hospital. Please join us back here for the continuation of this epic story, and you too can find out the fate of our hero in "The End, part deux".